The finish line

I was experiencing darkness this year during the holidays. It was the underbelly of my being I was discovering; the imperfections I have. I was trying to understand how to field moments in a constructive way. We all have our expectations about what we want to happen and then what is really unfolding in our lives. If you pay attention, the holidays have a way of gifting you something new to learn about yourself, whether it's sentimental, communal or personal.

I trust myself to handle the dark moments; to be present with them and as compassionate as possible with myself; to ask for help - to believe I am worthy of asking for more help; to focus on and find the light; to value my being in relation to others; to temper how much I feel compelled to give; and to show up again and again as best I can. 

As I go to sleep, I feel surrounded by warmth, comforted by the light and satisfied by the contentment of our family snuggled in as the long dance of Christmas comes to an end. 

Merry Christmas

Since December 6, I've been waiting for my holiday cards to be delivered. Each day  I've been disappointed when they don't arrive. Still, other friend's cards come in and it makes me feel lighter, like somehow I'm surrounded by friends who we really haven't seen much of this year. 

Some day our cards will be delivered and I'll bet the timing will seem like a joke or have some strange coincidence. I don't even know if I will mail them out once they arrive, since the moment seems to have passed already. 

This year... I promised myself I wouldn't try to quantify it... but a lot CAN happen in a year. If you're out there, I hope you're still finding a feeling of hope in your heart for what's to come, because I still am. Don't let this crazy game get you down too much. There is still much joy to be had and connections to be made; there is always hope.

9. White Christmas

She asked me tonight while laying in bed, "What was your favorite scene in White Christmas?" She was stalling but we reviewed all the ones we preferred - mine is Bing and Danny covering the Haynes Sisters act and Amelia's is the final scene when the snow falls. Then we talked about our favorite character; it took us some time to remember the four main characters names, not the actors names. We were surprised at how hard it was for us both to pinpoint their names and I took some solace in the exercise not necessarily being the precursor to Christmas future since a seven-year-old couldn't recall them either. 

We've seen the movie together at least five times at this point; I've seen it many more. She said, "You love Christmas movies." I said, "I do. But I love musicals too. So you can imagine how excited I was for a musical Christmas movie." 

Then she asked me to tell her about the first time I saw White Christmas. It took me a bit to pinpoint my answer about my first time. I assumed it was as an adult but as I rationalized the history and a somewhat accurate response, I came to land on the fact that the Haynes Sisters song was covered in Chris and Cullen's pre-wedding video, which was 30 years ago this December (certainly a time-warp of it's own). This fact put me at age 14 and meant I saw White Christmas for the first time when I was much younger. I told her, "I don't remember watching it with Nana or Grandpa Cornish," though we always note when we watch it that Vera Bradley was his personal favorite and this means that at some point in my life I watched it with him. I explained that you had to catch movies on tv when they were scheduled and even told her about a magical resource called the weekly television guide that would tell you what shows were scheduled and when. She asked, "but what if there wasn't anything you wanted to watch?" I just said, "well that sucked." Typing this now, I realize that is a first world problem my kids will never experience. 

So I imagined being a pre-teen or younger, wanting the same luscious song voice of Betty and the same dazzling outfits, short skirts and dancing stylings of Judy. Daydreaming, as my girls are still doing every year, about long reds dresses trimmed with white and a horse drawn carriage gliding through the snow as the perfect ending to a perfect Christmas. 

I don't know when I watched it for the first time. Every year I love to indulge in the euphoria of that story, though I know it's not reality and perhaps a bit archaic at this point. I made sure to point out that there are literally no people of color in the whole movie. Still, watching it has become a tradition in our house and provides a bridge to my childhood home. 

Last week, she said to me, "I hope it snows for Christmas." I remember feeling that way as a kid too. 

P.S. Vera Bradley is a no brainer choice, right, with the moves and the body; "she's so flexible," she said. But give me the physical humor of Danny Kay any day over those long, bendy legs. 

Deep (Holiday) Thoughts 2.0, Chapter 2

Mom if you're on the naughty list, I'll be nice to you.
I don't think that's how it works. 

Mom here's another gift for you. Open it. 
We don't open gifts until Christmas.
We'll this is a different gift. It's a Kwanzaa gift.
(I'm actually pretty proud of her diverse approach to the holidays).

You changed again. Why?
'Cause those goddamin' clothes don't fit me.
What clothes?
Those goddamin' clothes. I hate them. 

What do you want to get Dad for Christmas?
A handful of kitties.

The Sweet Life


This was the third year for Gingerbread fun. I feel short in getting my house to stand (and taking photos of all of it) but strangely enough I embraced the sheer flop of it all and just committed to having fun with friends (in a candy induced chaotic sort of way). I've said it before and I'll say it again: hosting a gingerbread party is kind of like throwing a kegger for kids. People get unruly, things fall over and break, the floor is a sheer state of disgust at the end of it but really for as flagrant as the whole thing seems, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I always love a shot of this girl holding my girls

Holiday Retirement


The Landrums hosted a retirement party for Cullen's mom. I wish I would have got a photo of her, she looked great that night - she was rockin' her retirement! Instead we stole a few photos before we left. Most everyone was gone. Still it's fun to take a few shots around the tree!
D was (1) not wearing a bow in his hair that night, and (2) playing the role of
"Christmas Angel" in our Hallmark made for tv movie.

Happy Holidays

This is my most favorite time of the year because nothing makes me happier than a note from an old friend. Every day I get cards with photos of lovely faces. I read witty heartfelt stories about how you are and what you have been busy doing in 2013.

It also is my favorite time of year to create something and mail it out. Years of late have put a serious curb on my creativity in this department; I'm sad to admit I have completely fallen short this year and will have to settle for a quick post. 


We have weathered the transition that comes with having a second child (I write that from the comfort of a glass of wine). Miss A has come in to her own passing the six month mark. As D's mom said so perfectly this summer, "She is delicious." She smiles and chatters at us and is truly enthralled with miss M. She delights in whatever M is up to and M is great about including her in her mischief. Miss M is headed to preschool next month, which means - sweet baby Jesus - the girl might finally be potty trained (It really hasn't taken that long; it just felt like walking in to glass doors over and over again, month after month). She asserts her independence quite often and comes up with the funniest, sweetest thoughts. Such is the outlook of a three year old. Her heart is so big and she's ready to share it with the world. I want to bottle these moments and lock them up in a safe. 

Andy's work continues to go well and I continue my search for a full time job while picking up less freelance in an effort to focus. We anticipate the new year will be fraught with new challenges as we shuffle our schedules and try to reconnect with our social life. The house is a beast of it's own making. We are taking on projects in pieces and hoping soon friends can come stay inside the house in a guest room rather than in the Swinger on our driveway. 

Still, I can't imagine life without two kids, without almost 5 years of marriage to Andy, without Ginger next to me at every step...

Wishing you all the joy the season brings and hopes for a grand new year.