Wooden Ships

Crosby, Stills, Nash

Tuesday was another Art Night. As always, I both came and went inspired by the idea of getting together with funny, creative women to make schtuff. It fell on my favorite weekday and came after my Lemonade experience - I was one Cloud 9. I blogged about the evening on the D'Podge Site.

The thing is, these are really intelligent, supportive women. I find myself wanting to soak in everything in their midst. They are uninhibited, they are funny, they are the type of ladies who listen to good music and hear things on NPR and want to discuss them over good food. And they're not scared of candy gossip either, which is nice sometimes - to be able to just be silly.


The other night, I walked in and was presented with gifts from J. She always does things to show she's thinking about me and makes me feel a bit special. She passed along Julie and Julia by Julie Powell for me to read, which I was so excited about because I loved the movie (Meryl Streep is unbelievable...really outstanding). J also helped me with a design situation of sorts and then presented me with a yummy pre-birthday Wooden Ships Flapper Pull Thru Scarf, which we saw while shopping at Decade pre-Christmas. I almost skipped to work in it the next day while yelling about how fabulous I felt. Admittedly, it was a Bridget Jones moment. Seriously though, it was touching on so many fronts.

I created a candle (an activity done at a different art night that I missed) and then I tried my luck at contour drawing. There's something about drawing lately; like I want to exercise my brain. It's rarely pretty but I am inspired to do it these days. I also found J had a set of the yoga cards I used to get in a class at Samadhi. I have one hanging over my desk that says, "Success is not found in what you have achieved, but rather who you have become." I opened the box the other night to find the one on top read, "What is, is. What is not, is not. No amount of wishing or wanting can change that simple fact." It felt so timely with my "whatever happens, happens" lesson. J let me take it with me that night. So many great things to receive.

The more I get to join in the nights, the more I feel lucky to have been invited. The other night they were talking about how they have been doing it for three years now. Most of them were fast friends long before that, it's a fact but you can just feel it too. J asked me if I was interested last year, perhaps it was a bone to my unemployment woes when I spent most days not talking to anyone. I think I said yes before she completed the sentence. Now I find myself anticipating the evenings. It's just nice to take a piece of time out to loosen the other side of my brain. To walk down the intuitive path, to pander to the color in my life.

P.S. This is Tammy’s most recent video from the art night we had in December. I love all the red in the video and how you see the holidays (it seems so far away now). The quote at the end is great!

Lemonade

I'm experiencing a visceral effect right now. In fact D just came down to say "hi" and (very supporting and surprised) asked me if I was crying. I had forgotten for a second that I broke down; just me slumped over my computer with some tears. The moment already seemed to pass when he came in from his day but apparently my runny masquera didn’t get the memo.

I'm not a crier...it’s a rare occurrence. In fact, when I got laid off I didn't cry. The layoff was months in the making and I knew walking in to work that my number was up. It was finally the job I loved and the whole experience didn’t last more than eight months. It’s funny how some of our most profound life experiences are just a wink in the face our life span. I figured I would make the best of the change; I would make lemonade out of lemons. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Funny my friend's mom pointed out the other day, “Whatever happens, happens.” (period) Perhaps there's no reason. Damn – that can be a bit scary to digest but also rather inspiring. I mean, life’s to short to analyze the hell out of everything, right? If you’re not doing, you’re wasting your time thinking about things that are a waste of time, even if you’re thinking about doing, you’re not doing.

So something in this trailer hit me just right. The first time I watched it, as I drank a glass of lemonade (no shit), I found it so inspiring I donated money to the cause. I decided that would be my gift for the day because it made me feel the most connected. Never mind that I stayed an hour longer at work to help someone out or that I took myself and my dog for a walk on this gorgeous Denver day. None of it seemed as suiting as sending some money to a documentary created entirely with resources donated from a bunch of people and organizations. It comes from a place of giving. It’s for people feeling demoralized or isolated; so that they can feel some sense of inspiration and camaraderie. My day changed right then.

The second time I watched it, I slumped over and cried. Perhaps it has to do with feeling like I am falling short of my dream to be self-employed by taking a job that feels “off”. There was a point where I hated myself for taking said gig but I do feel now it’s all good. Especially with unemployment so high, I realize I am lucky to have said gig – it pays the bills and provides space for me to keep freelance flowing. Whatever happens, happens. I can’t fight it but I can enjoy it. Maybe there’s a reason, but I don’t see it right now.

The third time I watched it, I watched it with D. I’m pretty sure he was expecting a video about puppies or something. I welled up a little again at the end. I think it’s the line where the guys says, “I got laid off and I started doing my life’s work”. It gets me every time. Wherever you are in your life: if everything is perfect or if everything is not, do something to inspire yourself today.

Lemonade Movie Trailer

Family Visit

I'm catching up a bit here but wanted to celebrate D's Uncle and his cousin's visit right after Christmas. It was so great to have them here and to be able to show them our town and our life. They were excited to soak in the Colorado-feel and went full force into some activities that they might have otherwise passed on. They also shined right up on the ski slope and took Mr. Maillet's wild ride quite nicely as he turned a three-hour tour into 3 days in the mountains - complete with skiing, breweries, and hot springs.

We took them over to see the lights the Denver Botanic Gardens displays every holiday season. It's really amazing what they do and so pretty to walk through. They sell 3-d glasses so you can see snowflakes or bells on top of all the lights.

On New Year's Day, we made our way over to the Denver Cathedral for mass. It turned out to be quite nice, the church is really gorgeous and huge. My mom joined us and was in her zone waving at people she knew. She actually was glowing all day - it was fun to see. I was taken back by the ceremony itself and the symbology of the church. D and I took in the whole experience from a visitor's perspective and found it quite interesting - though I would put my catechism up against anyone in a match if Bible Trivia if need be. It's amazing how second nature all of the prayers and hymns are in my head, even though I haven't thought about them in years. I did light some candles for those lost last year and my grandma, always... That is my favorite part of going in to any church; I always light candles. My mom whispered to me that it's an old Irish tradition to make three wishes in a church you've never been too before, who knows if she was making it up but she sees something so magical in her religion and I let that energy flow into what I was making of the whole experience - it felt good.

Afterwards we stopped at the Brown Palace for lunch and dined on some really good fare in the Ship's Tavern (ironic to take people from Boston to a ship tavern in land-locked Denver).

P.S. If you're a French Onion soup fan, go. GO RIGHT NOW!

The last day of their vacation, we took them up outside Nederland to cross-country ski. Admittedly, I should have done better research on a place to go but I think we ended the experience much stronger than it started. A mountain lion with bad knees was tied to a tree and watched as we shifted through the snow.

We can't wait to have them back. (That is if we don't adopt the Stoughton girl Gingy is gunning for now that she didn't get a cat for Christmas).

We See Things As We Are

I'm changing my tune these days; at least I'm trying to cultivate a new perspective. Ironically, I read this quote yesterday while I was in the midst of my "giving act" for the day: babysitting for my sister. I found the quote in a calendar she had hanging on her fridge. I had jumped ahead to see what the quote on my birthday was and this is what I found:

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

It’s suiting because as my week of giving continues, I continue to have a shift in attitude. For example, the other night when I was walking home from work, I experienced complete joy. So strangely complete I didn't want to take too much time to consider why I was so utterly happy. It was 8 pm. I was just leaving work after deadline, and the snow was seeping in to my shoes. Perhaps it was the peacefulness of the city or that the only other person I saw out walking downtown, strangely enough, was a friend I knew. Whatever it was, I was on cloud 9 and there was nothing that could get me down. I didn’t have a care in the world.

Last night I closed my yearly book club hosting chapter and I must admit, the night was a success. Eight woman gathered around our hearth to laugh and wax intelligent. I had a lovely meat and cheese platter loaded with fig cake with almonds (a glorified version of a fig newton) and parrano cheese, as well as prosciutto and mustard seed cheese. I was bringing a big cheese game. The dessert tray had a bowl of fresh raspberries and blueberries (for color and surprisingly flavourful and in season) Mexican wedding cookies (not as fluffy as I prefer, but seemingly suitable for breakfast), two-bite brownies, and mint milanos (really they need to represent every now an then).

The book choice was 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. Surprisingly, we had a longer, good conversation about giving and receiving in general. Some of these questions weren't posed but are good considerations I want to share:

• What constitutes a gift?
  Or is the mere act of acknowledging a connection made between you and another person the true gift?
• Do you have to be acknowledged as the giver to “give” something?
  Or is a gift something done anonymously?
• How much of giving is about receiving?
  And how hard is it, as an American (and as a woman for that matter) in our uber-competitive society, to receive from others?
• Where do you draw the line on giving too much to the point where you loose yourself?
  Is it possible to give too much?
• How does giving affect our health?
  Would we all see physical improvements if we cultivated more positive energy?

As I continue to give, I continue to recognize in others things I never noticed before. I also note myself in conversation and find how I respond or react and what I contribute or withhold. I will say this, focusing on giving makes me boatloads more present: sometimes I forget to ask about other people’s lives or their children or their careers; sometimes I forget to bring up thoughts I meant to share and later skip a beat aching to go back to the moment. This thought resurfaced after the ladies left: it’s a gift we give ourselves to meet each month to gather and discuss something intelligent and creative and thought provoking or just to be silly; to take time out and share a bit of ourselves with other women whose lives we might not otherwise touch, except for the occasional camaraderie of standing in a grocery store line.

Be The Change

Last month, I picked the book 29 Gifts by Cami Walker for my book club choice. I learned about it after reading an article in Yoga Journal - Overwhelming Abundance. When I went to Tattered Cover to find a book club pick, it was on display and seemed so perfect given the timing of the holidays. I promptly bought the book and made the choice whole-heartedly, abandoning my usual back and forth decision-making wrestling bonanza.

Before the holidays in the midst of our chaos, I read through the book with joy and some strange sense of performance anxiety. I always have a smidge of that feeling when choosing a book to recommend people spend their time reading. That and I was embarrassed by the sense of spirituality in the book - my "anti-religulous" ego and pride not wanting to be shelved. In any case, once I let the judgement go, I enjoyed the idea of giving for the sheer joy of connecting and opening oneself up to fullness rather than scarcity, which feels so commonplace these days.

So after weeks of vacillating; not being able to actually commit (as always); and secretly giving things to others while feeling too matyrish to log said things; I’m stopping the insanity and choosing to do what I have really been wanting to do for a month now: 29 Gifts in 29 days.

This morning as I decided to finally commit, Yogi Tea gave me some sage support. I love little random notes that I find along the way in life. As I start this process, I am inspired by this quote as well:

"We must become the change we want to see in the world."
- Mohandas Gandhi

Christmas Part Deux

No more Charlie Brown Christmas: In following my new found perspective on finding the joy in everyday, I must report there were some great things that happened over the holiday.

Once again my sage bestie taught me something: traditions are established in many ways and that one I was ready to forget should not dissolve just because a friendship did. I guess if I'm focusing on the positive, the draw would be to the good memories. As I told another friend (ad lib) a few weeks ago, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

As bare bones as I felt this year, the things that ended up making it to the table were the few things I relish in a good Christmas. Tradition was a great message this year. It kicked me out of a dull drum of sorts and I found myself recognizing things that have consistently made me happy through the years. Though things may change, there will always be new joys to smile about as family grows and new traditions are forged. Here are a few smiles I found this Christmas:

The nieces and nephews opening gifts followed by a stirring round of White Elephant (kudos to the Rodgers for their "fudge in the diaper" gift - so apropos as new parents).

(the bumpit as modeled by TC)

Discovering my nephew found my camera and took some photos...of himself :)

My yearly "engagement photo" with RH (wish I could find older ones to share). And a visit from Santa Maillet, no wait Hannukah Harry, no wait an oompah loompah, yes, a Christmas KTM Oompah Loompah

When All Else Fails...

...photo montage. (cue techno music)

I love the quietness of Christmas Eve morning - I’ve always been partial to it. It’s kind of like no one notices the holiday has arrived. Thursday I woke up to a lovely Andy and Gingy and the ease of a day off. The radio was on and Christmas songs were strung in and out of the regular music. Light, fluffy, dry snow was everywhere. D shoveled the backyard while Gingy posed for numerous photos (and she did pose).

This was my favorite part of the day.

Christmas Time is Here

You know, I was feeling a little more Charlie Brown than Vince Guaraldi Trio this year as Christmas finally rolled around. It was the culmination of a lot of chaos leading up to the holidays and, as always, so many get togethers that are too good to pass up. I wasn't finding the time to do the blog entries I wanted, journaling regularly, or working out - the list goes on. The end of the year always seems like the bottom of a spiral that way: circling tighter and tighter and moving faster each day.

Three weeks ago I made my annual pilgrimage to Ultimate Electronics at 6 am to stand in line for the KBCO Studio C CD. Since Volume 10, I have been there every year. My sisters come if they can, the Bong sisters come if they can, friends come if they can, and we all stand there freezing in the cold and regaling the people around us with politically incorrect comments and bad humor that seems so good before the sun comes up. This year, it was as cold as ever, felt as early as ever, and made me realize Christmas was just around the corner.

Two weeks ago, I was sure the spirit would sink in as I found myself compiling Rooster Plumbing cards and watching Mrs. Miracle on Lifetime one quiet Friday night; sadly James Van Der Beek and the second rate Christmas activities did not flip me in to the spirit (perhaps I need Pacey). My purchase of a poinsettia that Sunday started to ease me in to the waters.

A week and a half ago, I created my holiday bow and hung the holiday cards (sadly collecting on my desk) from the long strands of ribbon. Finally the goodness of the season was one display and it felt more like home. I came in every day to find the mail and sing in my head, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

Weeks past my normal release, I was falling short with my holiday card (always my favorite yearly activity). I wasn't finding the time to do the card the way I usually do... or compile the CD that accompanies the message. Still I rallied last Sunday with the help of a good istock-base that I adjusted to fit the message I was trying to send to family and friends. I felt like a cheat but I still managed to do something. That night I got all the out-of-towner cards stamped and sealed. It was days before Christmas and I was craving a peaceful, happy home myself.

With the cards finally mailed and Christmas Eve looming, I got lost in the mix of listening to the Christmas Time is Here on repeat at work. Later, I found myself walking home and letting it continue to repeat in my ear. There was something about the twinkling lights of the city and the smooth sound: it felt soft, almost the same way it feels when it’s about to snow. Even the punk couple walking across the street yelling something seemed so appropriate in the flow of it all. I still felt like Charlie Brown, even if my life wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be, it still somehow was good.

30 Days to Make My Heart Happy (part 2)

If you're just tuning in (sometimes I secretly wish this blog was my own little tv show), I have been taking the last 30 days to find something positive in my day rather than focus on the negative BS that generally seems to creep up. It started after some righteous chocolate milk a co-worker brought me.

I figured it was a good start to shifting my paradigm. The things I began noticing weren't always a big deal, it was more about focusing on the positive rather than the negative. As a result: I'm a bit of a believer. Yeah me - always the cynic. I'm on-board with this positive schtuff. It really works wonders on the soul.

In fact: last Friday I came home to a beat down Mr. Maillet. He was having the kind of day where you want to turn off the world and hide under a blanket. I, however, was in an upbeat mood and decided I would bring some good in to his life since he could not muster any on his own.

We went to Home Depot that afternoon, and on the way I asked him, "What is something good that happened to you today?" He responded, "nothing." I explained my little positive project to him but he really wasn't in to it. We bought what we needed and I could tell the sheer change in physical space was improving his mood. At checkout, D whispered in my ear that he was going to order a big, fat, greasy pizza, if I wanted in (hells yeah - when do I pass up a chance for pizza). I suggested we pick one up from Anthony’s since it was in the area (and I knew that would really cheer him up). I called and placed the order and we drove over and waited out front while the pizza finished cooking. As we waited, some woman tried to parallel park in the space in front of us. I use the term "parallel park" loosely because at one point she was literally perpendicular to the sidewalk. D said, “See! this is the type of stuff I was talking about.” He took it as another sign of his bullshit day. I was laughing so hard and said, “are you kidding? This is pure comedy provided for our entertainment!” Thinking it was so absurdly funny it must have been put there to make us laugh. Never has there been a clearer lesson to me about shifting the old paradigm.

Later at home when the mood had settled, and the cheesy-goodness of the pizza was in our bellies, and the crown molding was painted, I came in to the house from a walk with Gingy to hear Mr. Maillet say, “your blog is pretty cool.” It set my heart soaring. Admittedly, I might have done a little dance too. I said "thanks" and went up to see him to talk about it, to show him how to post a comment, and to point out other entries he might like, if he has a second. Sure I’m obsessed with him supporting me this way. It's always awesome to have friends comment that they read the blog (especially since I view it as wholly indulgent and secretly my own tv show), but since D's not online a fair amount, that was the best part of my Friday. D told me that his best part was the pizza, which made me happy.

Saturday when I was in the mix of sleep deprivation and manual labor and getting ready to head up to Boulder to see Pete Yorn, I stopped for a tick to talk to him about Sunday manual labor plans and my schedule. He told me what he wanted to do as I fiddled with my money and ID like some college kid ready to rock the night off. Then he said, "So the good thing that happened today was getting the trim hung". I did one of those, “oh, that's nice honey” comments and almost shrugged it off when suddenly I stopped in my tracks and looked at him and thought, “cool”. That was the good thing that happened to me Saturday.

It's been a month of that: the little things. It's been a good month. So as promised, here is my list of what happened:

• November 17 – Birthday Dinner with Mom and Andy at Maggiano’s
• November 18 – No parking ticket for being 45 minutes over the limit outside the Denver Art Museum while I had lunch with Nancy
• November 19 – Jim H. at the Safeway on 6th bagged my groceries in my bags all on his own... even though I offered to help, he refused. At my usual (UN)Safeway, the clerks act like they don’t understand the concept of bagging some one's home brought bags (D reminds me I am presenting them with my gross, germ-ridden bags from who knows where, but my argument is: it's not friggin' brain surgery) Jim did it all on his own, with a smile
• November 20 – Unfriggin' believably yummy Gyro at the Gastro Cart on 18th and Curtis
• November 21 – Free Starbucks coffee at Safeway
• November 22 – D dropping me off to run from Lake Dillon to Keystone and I got to use my new snow running guards
• November 23 – HRR (and free parking at work because I was so desperate to leave)
• November 24 – Drinks with old coworkers
• November 25 – Coming home to a lovely clam pasta dish made by Chef Maillet
• November 26 – Turkey cooking in the Swinger while we drove to Red Feather Lakes and Pecan Pie from D Bar
• November 27 – Laughing, laughing, laughing on the way to take the trash out
• November 28 – Gorgeous sunrise across the lake
• November 29 – Time talking with D about house projects
• November 30 – An early morning run with the moon setting and the sun rising
• December 1 – Two blocks away from a free tire fill up when I left work to find my scoot had a flat
• December 2 – Waking up with a clear mind
• December 3 – Art night
• December 4 – D reading my blog
• December 5 – In the midst of his bad weekend, D telling me what was the good part of his day
• December 6 – Clean sheets to fall asleep in
• December 7 – A long lost file for my portfolio and the first holiday card of the season
• December 8 – A friend swinging by for a White Russian and some good insight
• December 9 – Many well wishes
• December 10 – Synchronicity in transport: meaning easy traffic to my haircut, got to the light rail twice before it was coming not right after it left, and the flow of errands on the way home (and the nice guy at the deli counter at Safeway)
• December 11 – Randomly running in to a gal I was trying to touch base with on the phone all morning
• December 12 – A clean, put back together house that got a pretty good face-lift
• December 13 – The sheer sweetness my besties' kids for a few hours, and then getting to hang out afterward with said friend
• December 14 – Four holiday cards to come home to and finally hanging up my bow to display them all
• December 15 – Buying two yummy-looking cookies from Starbucks and giving them to co-workers to cheer up their day and say thanks for the help they gave me
• December 16 - Dinner at La Loma