Face the day

All at once, the dream felt ominous and overwhelming and achievable. She took in the range of emotions; each had a place in this moment. This was living: to face the day, the time she had and ask herself what to do with it?

She could lay in bed or wallow with self-pity. She could drink it away or work it out - all the calories or feelings she couldn’t dismantle with her mind. But the day would come and go no matter what. 

In this game she had the choice of how she existed within it. There was no need for large fancy homes: more space, more things. She could live in a forest or under a rock. She could desert the indoctrinated belief that money was the ultimate goal. She could travel the world or never crave a family. She could trust that evolution was happening in her and around her and that the path was never as stringent and cut as she thought. Each day was a new opportunity to show up onsight and figure out what she could do to ascend.

Cold Start

She came to her truth on a chilly morning. The snow was moving in as heavy clouds crept over the mountains. She watched it coming: ominous and encompassing but she knew its presence would be light when it surrounded her. 

She craved summer skies or a spring thunderstorm rather than the layers of snow set to bury her world. The elements were out of her control and so she trusted what was to come as a lesson, as grace, as a gift. 

She felt ill prepared and considered what she could do to be ready. She stocked up on supplies and got out for one last run. She had the comfort of warm blankets to mirror the insulation and silence the snow brought. She welcomed the isolation. She never worried about being alone. 

She resigned to the storm and would weather the weather. She'd come alive in the day. Trusting herself, her universe, the experience of this life to deliver, over and over, reasons to rise up and overcome.

2021 Reads

1. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
2. Gracious Wild: A Shamanic Journey With Hawks by Stacey L.L. Couch
3. Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
4. Show Your Work by Austin Kleon
5. How We Show Up by Mia Birdsong
6. To The Bright End Of The World by Eowyn Ivey
7. Finding Abbey by Sean Prentiss
8. One Long River Of Song by Brian Doyle
9. Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
10. Untamed by Glennon Doyle
11. Wintering by Katherine May
12. Refusing Heaven by Jack Gilbert 
13. Educated by Tara Westover
14. This is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett
15. How to Tell Stories to Children by Silke Rose West & Joseph Sarosy
16. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
17. Still Alice by Lisa Genova
18. There There by Tommy Orange

The finish line

I was experiencing darkness this year during the holidays. It was the underbelly of my being I was discovering; the imperfections I have. I was trying to understand how to field moments in a constructive way. We all have our expectations about what we want to happen and then what is really unfolding in our lives. If you pay attention, the holidays have a way of gifting you something new to learn about yourself, whether it's sentimental, communal or personal.

I trust myself to handle the dark moments; to be present with them and as compassionate as possible with myself; to ask for help - to believe I am worthy of asking for more help; to focus on and find the light; to value my being in relation to others; to temper how much I feel compelled to give; and to show up again and again as best I can. 

As I go to sleep, I feel surrounded by warmth, comforted by the light and satisfied by the contentment of our family snuggled in as the long dance of Christmas comes to an end. 

The magic comes from within

It's true this season is a beast of it's own. I've never really been a big fan of all the hubbub. I like the idea of moving slower, sharing stories, eating treats, and remembering the light within, deep inside, even when the flame flicks low. 

Note to self:

Sometimes I over do it; sometimes less is more. If you stick with simplicity, you end up being truly authentic and ultimately make yourself and others happy because the gift is just right. My new mantra: Next year, just make chocolate chip cookies. 

I remembered this when I thought about my neighbor's delightfully fresh sour dough and butter delivered the other day. It is a true treat from her - she will send one over at random and we love it. During the holidays, I spy her girls running up and down the block with fresh loaves of bread to drop off at houses and I love watching them do that.

When I was 6 hours in on baking today, I thought to myself, "where did the day go?" and, "I like baking, but I don't LOVE baking this much." I tried to make too many different types of holiday cookies. I had the best intentions: I was excited about some yummy recipes I found. But really when it gets down to it, I'm a chocolate chip cookie gal at heart and that was all I needed to do. I did that last year and it felt and looked great.

This year, I was compiling bags at 9 pm when I realized how silly I was for spending so much time doing this. By the time I was done, I had a decent treat, a classic great, and little bags of something I'm pretty sure will defrost and get thrown in the trash before people event taste them. I can't blame them.

Still, I do like to bring treats around to the neighbors. One of the best surprises I had when we moved in were the holiday treats others dropped off to us without even really knowing us. Every year, I relish the goodness that comes my way and that feeling of community with the people on our street. 

Bag 22: on repeat

(kind of lame but still good messaging)

Grandkids

This is the way I prefer to give gifts: A few weeks ago, miss A and I were in a consignment store and found this old framed matte, it felt like synchronicity. It was perfect for my mother, who has 9 grandkids and is having a hard time remembering now. I had each kid choose an image they liked and put it in this frame for her. It's old school but kinda cool. 

One of my nephews kept sending images of himself partying, which weren't the most appropriate for my mom. It made us laugh though and in a few years, I will have a kick ass white elephant gift. 

We can't go back

We are drawn to the light; to the illumination of life. A candle that is our companion when no one is around. There is comfort in that flickering presence; a sense of hope we have as movement around us. 

In the darkness, we are left feeling othered; compelled to face the inward journey to our truth. The demons we meet along that path are ours alone. There is much to be feared in the potential that lies within each of us. There is also much to be discovered and revealed. We cannot fear our darkness, our underbelly. 

Fear is a tool used to keep us away from ourselves. We have been taught from birth, it is ours alone to confine. It is easy to not look in the direction, to not follow the curve of the path when you can’t see where it leads. So we stay tethered to what we know of this world and we help hold others in the same chains. 

In the darkness, we must let go and wander through a gateway that feels ominous. The mystery calls to us in a way we can’t ignore. So we lay our fear aside, a shaky companion we have learned to keep close. We lead on. From the other side, we see a world so curious and new. By nature of that first step, we know we can’t go back.