I just dug out and read through some journals to unwind some thoughts from the past. What I got more than perspective was how writing has been such an undeniable element of my existence. One I have pursued in fits and starts, one I have valued consistently since the summer after my freshman year of college.
Here I am still showing up to the page to record moments of my existence so in the future I can look back and calibrate my memories to my earned wisdom. What I got from today’s review was so much love and fear and lack of confidence and beautifully strung words. It’s hard to be a writer and put it all together but I was built for sussing out that higher level perspective. I am a deep, dark person and yet I am always optimistic something good is right around the corner.
I used to collect so many snippets and sayings in my notebooks. The one sticking with me today is that hope was the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box.
Hope is making headway through my world these days. Here I am with my hope about my family and our life together. Hope for how shifting our house will feel like home and bring in a fresh energy I don’t even recognize. Hope that a new job, working with a friend again and having an advocate, will be right for me. Hope that peace will find its way to closing out this chapter with Will, to saying good night to my mother, and to walking toward the final trimester of my life. Hope for the writing that will come through me, hope for breathing into being the book I have always sensed is there. Hope for becoming the becoming I know is very deep inside me. Hope for unearthing the gem of my existence and feeling the click; the insatiable drenched; the truth discovered.
And finally a deep sense of love, compassion and understanding for who I am and what I have been through. A reverence for my perspective on all of it and how I can use my wisdom to help myself and others make sense of this chaotic beautiful world.
How lucky I am to have found my family, to have sweet love and companionship that pulls me away from the deep dark sorrow I am so used to swimming in. No more regret: I will take hold of the moment and I trust my intuition to have served in my choices. Steady love and support in all the moments. Belief that the best is yet to come. Tears of joy for what was in the sadness of goodbye. Support for the dreams and hope, sweet hope, that I will find my way to the love buried within all things.