I’ve been moving furniture and purging a lot of stuff lately. It has loosened my energy so much. I truly feel a lot more fluid. Perhaps that’s why I have had so many strange dreams lately. Many leave me feeling anxious or fearful about what I am doing in them - mostly experiencing uncontrollable circumstances around me. I feel scared at every turn.
My inability to trust has been with me since I was a child. It feels like jumping off a cliff or trying to fly without knowing if I really can. I anticipate disappointment, of not being able to survive the thing, so I stay on safe ground. I continue to miss opportunity upon opportunity to grow and change and become some new form of myself.
It happened last night and I woke up yelling. I knew I needed to get up and write but I didn’t, I was scared. It feels like a muse is calling out to me and I want it to, but I’m too scared to do the hard work, too scared to find out what an interaction would bring. I can’t see its face, I can’t judge it before I let it into my life. I have to trust it without seeing it, without knowing for sure if it’s safe or not.
My inability to trust has been with me since I was a child. It feels like jumping off a cliff or trying to fly without knowing if I really can. I anticipate disappointment, of not being able to survive the thing, so I stay on safe ground. I continue to miss opportunity upon opportunity to grow and change and become some new form of myself.
I always say I will choose love over fear but really I choose fear again and again. Strange isn’t it: that love is the harder choice, the one that requires more courage?