Fear is the easy way out. When I choose it, I know I’m backing off a challenge. I’m sticking my head in the mud, so to speak, and with fear I have an excuse to not face the thing that I don’t want to deal with. With fear, I badger myself when something doesn’t go as expected. It is entwining, restricting, and I can’t imagine it loosening its grip unless I have the mental stamina to release it. I get caught in dark thoughts about my abilities, my weaknesses, my deficits. Fear leaves me feeling paralyzed, suffocated, as if I need something external to come save me.
I have become accustomed to choosing fear most of my life.
When I put fear aside I feel alive, invigorated. I feel that possibilities are endless and even when I lose, even if I don’t achieve what I set out to accomplish, I still feel I have overcome. It takes more work to be constructive, to strategize a solution, and then pursue it. It takes commitment to a hypothesis and releasing ego if the answer is not right. I can look honestly at myself and course correct when need be.
The truth is I just need to choose to save myself from my dark thoughts. I can put down the blade I’m using to cut away at my existence and with a calm hand, hold the fear like a hurt bird who just needs time to fly again. It is is an indulgence to believe I’m not good enough and to muddle in that puddle of self-loathing. It takes gumption to push aside those heavy thoughts and continue moving forward with the belief that I have what it takes to achieve my desires.